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Once upon a time there was a stupid little girl. This stupid little girl was very pretty and everyone loved her, so of course she hated her life and wanted to emo in the corner and slash her own wrists. This stupid little girl's name was Bella, because really that's what you name your kid when you just know they're going to turn into an emotional wreck. Because her family was done putting up with her emotional drama they sent her to a small town in the middle of the woods where the sun never shined so she had an excuse for being so god damn moody.

Of course everyone in no sunshine ville loved Bella, they were so bored that anything new was fascinating, especially when the new thing had a tan. Bella hated that she was popular, that everyone liked her, that she wasn't ignored and thus had an excuse to be an emo. One day a hot guy sat next to her in class. She was in love! He had pretty hair! She must spend the rest of eternity with him! Too bad she didn't even know his name.

Hot guy ignored Bella all the time, avoiding her like the plague of emotional turmoil and false drama that she was. Then one day Bella almost got hit by a car. Hot guy jumped in front of it and stopped her from dying. "O..M..G!" she shrieked, "You're a vampire!"

"...what the fuck how did you figure that out already?! You're the dumb bint character!" Hot guy exclaimed.

"Tell me your name and I'll tell you how!"

"Fine it's Edward."

"Well Edward, I stole your school records," Bella said happily.

"You stole my school records and you couldn't figure out my name?" Edward asked.

"....DON'T JUDGE ME!" Bella yelled before dissolving into tears.

"Whatever," Edward mumbled.

Bella began to stalk Edward from that day on. It got so bad that for some reason the roles got reversed and Edward started watching Bella in her sleep like the freaking creeper he was born to be. After about a week of mutual stalking Edward was outside when the worst thing possible happened. THE SUN CAME OUT! Bella was certain he would burst into flames, but instead it turned out he started sparkling like he was covered in glitter like a drag queen. Bella was in love! Running up to Edward to confess her undying love the clouds covered the sky once again. Before Bella could reach her glittering vampire a man in a black cape with giant fangs showed up.

"Who are you?" Edward asked in his usual awkward way.

"I am Count Dracula the fourth and I am here on behalf of the Vampire Image Counsil," the man in the cape said, "You have been found guilty of being the stupidest vampire ever and bringing down the general image of vampires the world over. As punishment for your poor image you will now die."

Count Dracula the fourth pulled out a pistol and shot Edward in the head, killing him instantly. For good measure he shot Bella as well. And there was blood everywhere, JUST LIKE A REAL FREAKING VAMPIRE STORY SHOULD HAVE!

Let me say that Twilight is a travesty against literature with poor characterization, horrifically unrealistic responses, disgusting examples of what a relationship should be, and just plain bad writing. Okay, now that I have that out of the way here's the deal, a friend of mine is a Twilight fangirl and has begged me to write her a fanfic about it. She really should have known better.

This is also on my account as A Happy Ending. Because really, there is nothing that would make me happier than Bella and Edward biting a bullet.
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Samui619 Featured By Owner May 7, 2011
:iconiloveitplz: OMG YES! THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN! Meyer has ALOT to answer for...ruining the image of Vampires :shakefist:
Ashley3619 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I actuaLly am a Twilight fan but I love this XD
kelle611 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
And that makes you one of the Twilight fans I like. If you can't make fun of your own fandom, you're not really a fan after all.
Ashley3619 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You make a wonderful point. And thank you.
eroica-the-thief Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
XD hahahahah.

I must admit I do not know the story at all, I only know who they are due to movie trailers.

I feel lucky.

This is hilarious. :D
kelle611 Featured By Owner May 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
My friend insisted that I read the books, couldn't actually finish them do to the characterization.
captainspadevatore Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Fantastic. Simply fantastic. This is truly how Twilight should have happened!
kelle611 Featured By Owner May 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Would have been much more interesting
GuidingSpirit Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2010
Ya know something; real men dont sparkle! He is a taboo oon my world! I + Edward = Death to him. I really dont like the guy. The movie, is a glorified fanfic! Sorry if you like him but i dont. And sorry about the rant! This is still good though!
kelle611 Featured By Owner May 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I knew a man who sparkled once, he was a drag queen and was damn near indistinguishable from a woman. The entire story is a glorified fanfic if you ask me. Mary Sues running rampant.
GuidingSpirit Featured By Owner May 6, 2010
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Submitted on
April 8, 2010
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